A room for Finnegan

Our baby room is done.  All it needs is a baby.  When I think back over the past year and a half of what this room has looked like, I can't believe it.  One of my fears about moving back to our house is that I would never be able to get the vision out of my head of that room on fire.  While the fire destroyed so much of our house, this room was were it started and this room was a shell of black nothing.  Would I ever feel safe putting a baby in that room.  When our priest blessed our new house, he paused in that room to pray for comfort and peace and it calmed me.  My goal in decorating the room was not just to make a sweet room for our baby but to also make a room that did not look anything like William's old room.  I guess that I wanted to be able to keep the picture of how sweet his room was in my mind while at the same time, feel safe in a space that looked different.  I love how it turned out - it is simple.  And the best part is, we feel safe in it - in fact, we all seem drawn to that space now.

So, here is the space were Finnegan will grow:

Skip, Hop, Jump owl bookends from Target.com

Crib made by Bart, yellow bookcase from Home Decorator outlet sale, Corduroy print from oversized book by Don Freeman and framed by me for Caroline's nursery in 2000.

Babar print from Art.com

Finnegan's random letters sewn, painted and glued from various letters at Michaels and Hobby Lobby.  Mobile is vintage Irmi from eBay

Crib skirt fabric is Big Top -Green by Fabricut

Lovies picked out by Caroline, Owen and William

Finnegan's name print made by my super cute neighbor Wendy and her business , Signifiprints

Art gallery wall by Caroline, Owen and William, paper lanterns from Target's party section, apple pillow from Target.  Afghan made by Bart's mom, slipcover is a white diamond matelasse

Curtains are Waverly cross-section, bird tray from Ikea (bought originally for my kitchen just a few hours before we were matched with our birth mom).  Paint color is Bamboo leaf by Behr, Home Depot 

On another note:  I am giving a "my bathroom has never been shinier" award and shout out to my husband.  Is there anything more attractive than a man who cleans bathrooms?  Really think about it - there isn't.

 Tomorrow Bart and I start our travels to meet our baby!  Wish me luck!

Drum roll please.......

I've been keeping a secret!  Well, not really.  If you have run into me in the carpool line, the neighborhood or anywhere within a 20 mile radius of my house in the past three weeks, you already know.

We're expecting a baby!  Our fourth child, and third boy, will arrive on June 25th!  We are over the moon!  Now that we have secured a very nice friendship with our birth mom, I will start blogging about all of the preparations!  I've been searching for bedding fabric and making bibs and burp cloths.

Bibs are so easy - I can not believe I didn't make any with my other kiddos.    The tutorial can be found 

over here at Purl Bee.

All I can say is that I am logging many, many hours on Pinterest.  There are so many fabrics and nurseries to view!  How is someone expected to sleep!

Speaking of Pinterest, this week I spent a few minutes rearranging the top photos on my boards so that my home page is super happy.  What a nerd.  Yet I love it every time I see it.

Thanks for sharing in my news.  Back to Pinterest!

Humbled by my beautiful life

Walking our babies - September 2005

Still waiting for a baby.  Still waiting for the phone to ring.  Still answering "I don't know" when my children ask when "their baby" is coming.  Still wondering why the wait has been the length of two pregnancies.  Still worrying about it to my husband. Still wondering why in the midst of the wait, our nursery and everything in it burned.

However, I wouldn't trade it.  Because I'm...

Still grateful for the three "babies" I have.  Still thankful that the phone rang three times to announce their arrivals.  Still believe that our 4th child is out there growing somewhere and finding its way to us.   Still loving my husband and his devotion.  Still blessed that I have an able body and was able to help my three children escape our burning house.

Need inspiration today?  Here it is!

Beautiful Heartbreak by Hilary Weeks

Pitter Patter

On the day of the fire, I was many days into obsessing about a baby.  Waiting for a phone call, waiting for an e-mail, waiting for anything that illuminated the path to our 4th baby.  Then the fire happened, and my focus shifted to the three "babies" I already have - where will they sleep, are they traumatized, they need clothes and shoes and coats........ Fast forward to today and I've noticed something now that everything is unpacked - we have an empty bedroom, an empty chair at the table, an empty seat in the car and when school starts in a few weeks, I will be by myself at home all day.  I find myself dreaming of that little person again and the children are talking about it to.  Does everyone else read into fortunes when you are dreaming of something?  I hope so - although this one wasn't too hard to stretch:

I really think its a message from God- or at the very least, from the man working at the fortune cookie factory.  Either way, I'm counting on it.

I heart big families

Last night, we took the kids to see a stage production of the Sound of Music.  I love the Sound of Music so much that my husband, who has no interest in it on his own, has seen it so many times that he knows most of the words to all the songs.  And that is just the kind of guy he is.  As I watched Maria and her seven little ducklings dance across the stage, it occured to me that I am really smitten with large families.   I have a history with large t.v. families: the Bradys, the Bradfords, the Duggars.  And now I continue my love by following the blogs of large families.  I guess that is why infertility for me seemed like such a kick in the pants.  Really?  I can not conceive babies?  And then after three failed in vitros - Really?  I can not carry babies either?   Bart and I always said though that after three fabulous adoptions, we have laughed in the face of infertitiliy. Take that!  We will not be defeated!  We will fill up our mini van!   But lately, the longing is seeping back in.  Does infertility have the last laugh?  I wish that Bart and I came from large families - families who plan huge summer trip to their summer place (insert lake house, beach house or mountain cabin here), where lots and lots of cousins gather with multiple generations delighting in each other's company.  I wish at Christmas time, that we had so many siblings that we had to chose names for gift giving and the childen put on a nativity play.  In my dreams, this is who I am and when I wake up, this is who I want to be.  Watch out infertility, I might just have to laugh at you again.

Dream house found

Bart and I have always talked about our dream house.  The house we would build, with the circular drive and shake shingles.  Dormer windows and carriage garage doors.  We would host Caroline's wedding reception under a tent in the big backyard and and have a line of twin beds in the attic room for our grandchildren's sleepovers.  I am always looking for land, or a house that can be altered to fit the dream.  I stop at every open house and I know every street that our school's boundaries encompass.  I have a dream house binder overflowing with pictures cut-out of magazines.

Lately though, I've been sorting through my dreams.  Taking a mental inventory of cute, colorful binders brimming over with stashed wishes waiting to be fulfilled.  When you reach 40, you start thinking about these things.  While I have not yet marked the half-way point of life (hopefully), I am keenly aware that the timeclock is working. 

Two "folders" seem to be in the forefront of my mind.  They are labeled Baby and Dream House.  Upon reflection, I've realized that Baby is the one that is running out of time.  And upon further reflection, I've realized that I am living in a dream house.  Not exactly THE dream house in my mind, but a dream house to millions worldwide who live in poverty.  And while my concerns for them are very real, three other little people come to mind first - my children.  As I'm scouring the suburb looking for the picture in my head, I am actually living in my children's dream house.  The only house they've ever known.  The backyard is not big enough for a wedding tent but it grew the tree that holds their rope swing.  The staircase we do have is the one that they gallop down on Christmas morning.  While the driveway isn't circular, it does lead to the cul-de-sac where they ride their bikes with friends.  This house holds their memories and it holds the people I love.

I will still keep dreaming but I will also enjoy the dream I'm living.   It is quite a nice feeling actually.  Some may call it contentment, but I prefer to call it happiness.

Life - Brought to you by Milton Bradley

Yesterday I played the Game of Life with Bart and Caroline.  It was my favorite game as a child.  I'm sure you too can remember the clickety-click of the rainbow spinner, the plastic topograghy and the sherbet-colored staion wagons.  For me as a child, it was a longing glance into my ideal future.  And by that, I don't mean choosing a career card and taking bank loans, I mean the blue peg husband and the pink and blue peg children.  Winning the game was never my goal.  Life's pinnacle for me was filling up my car.

I realized during the game yesterday, both by Bart's relief of my 5 peg "births" and my own giddiness, that my life has not changed.  The Game of Life has changed for sure - much more complicated with its Share the Wealth cards and Spin to Win - but my game remains the same.  Fill up my car.

Most people are inspired by brilliant minds, musicians, artists or leaders.  I am inspired by parents of large families.  To the right, you'll see that most of the blogs I frequent are moms of 4+ children, all engulfed in generations of sprawling dinner tables. To see a large family helps quench my thrist for the decades before I became a mother, when more people believed in less things and more children.

So, here I sit with an empty seat in my car, an extra chair at the table and with a feeling that someone has yet to show up in my game.  With an expensive adoption being our only option to expand our family, I'm not sure if this is God's plan for us.   But if it isn't, why am I still so thristy?