Open

Bart's spray paint rendering of the kids looking out a "window"

Today I picked out faucets and shower heads, yesterday it was the color of the island and granite and the day before that it was the stain for the hardwood floors.  I am called multiple times a day by the contractor to answer questions like "how high do you want the electrical boxes for the bathroom sconces?" and "do you want all of the kitchen can lights on the same switch?"  I wonder if I am making the right decisions.  As we count off the days in the rental house, we talk about home a lot and I wonder if when we go home, will we recognize it.

We have taken the kids to the house many times now.  The black of the fire is gone, the smell is gone too.  Its now a construction site, filled with fascinations for them.  The first time they walked in the door, Caroline yelled "we're home!" as if the house would answer.  In some ways, it did.  Standing in our shell of a house, with no walls or ceilings, no floors, no kitchen or bathrooms -  the view was the same.  Our five voices sounded the same in that space.  As Bart and I walked around taking measurements, we heard their voices playing in the house and for the first time in months, the house sounded alive.

When we move back, I will cook in a new kitchen that I do not recognize but I will look out on the same yard.  I will not recognize the bathrooms I scrub, but at night I will lay my head down in the exact same spot that I did before.  I wonder if when I close my eyes at night, I will feel 100% at home.

Caroline is singing this song in the church choir and she practices it all of the time.  Its one of my favorite songs right now.  It reminds me that I am not the one in control and that I am open to seeing the plan unfold.